The War Within Me
by Storm-Maker
Summary: Maybe if you had just stayed in your own time, none of this would have happened...I promised Kikyo my life...I love Kikyo...I love you too Kagome...It's like cutting me with the blunt edge of a sword...Please! No more tears, no more silence...


Disclaimers Notice: No, I don't own Inuyasha, but please tell me if I'm wrong, because it will make m very happy.  
  
Authors Beginning Note: This is revised, so if you have read it before, and it seems different, that is why. Oh, and if you review, harsh criticism is accempted (but not flames, and yes there is a difference)  
  
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"Damn!" I swore. I hopped onto a branch in Goshinboku, thinking back to how I hurt you...again.  
  
Why do you have to be so sensitive? Why can't I stick my foot in my mouth where it belongs! All I said was one little comment, and all hell breaks loose! Damn it all!  
  
Kagome. Your so frustrating, You are nothing like Kikyo. Damn, that's what got me into this whole mess! A stupid comment like that.  
  
Letting out a huge sigh of frustration, I shifted my place.  
  
It's hard Kagome. I care about you. I really do. I try to show you, but I can't. I'm scared of what will happen if I really do try to show you how I feel. I try to show you, or tell you, but it comes out wrong, and I choke. I get scared and I cover it up with some smart remark. It's not fair to you.  
  
But, even if I weren't afraid to show you my feelings, I can't. I love Kikyo, I think, but I do love you too, I just can't let you know that yet. I, have to be sure, of, I don't know.  
  
Why do you insist on being by my side all of the time? I gave you all the chances you needed. I even sent you home and blocked the well, but you still came back, for me! Maybe if you had just stayed in your own time none of this would have happened. You would probably be happy with that hobo guy, which I think is disgusting, and I would be with Kikyo. No confusions. Maybe then I wouldn't care for you so much. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen for you, but am I in love with you? Truly? Then I am in love with both of you, but wait, I can't have both of you, but then, Why! Why do you stay by my side? Why won't you leave. I know I would be alone, but still. I treat you like dirt, even when I don't mean to. I argue with you, I criticize you! I even compare you. I've hurt you more time than I can count. I've probably even made you cry more tears than the sky has rain. I don't always mean to hurt you. At first I did, at first, I guess I was hurt and decided if I couldn't be happy, then you shouldn't, but then things changed. Then, I did it more to cover up, what I feel. But my remarks don't lessen any in vulgarity or terseness, and you don't know what I really mean behind them, so is there really any difference between the two? So, why do you stay? Maybe, maybe it's not me you're staying with? Maybe, it's Miroku (so help him if he lays a finger on you!) or, maybe you really do love Kouga?  
  
"Disgusting! She deserves better than that mangy mutt." But am I really that much better of a suited match for you? What makes me think that I am so much better for you? But if you did love me. If you really loved me, just me as I am. No, that's impossible. You probably think I am nothing more than a cruel demon. Not even a respectable full demon at that. A Hanyou, a halfbreed. A mutt with nothing to his name but a sword. A bastard. So how can I hope for you to love someone like me? Than why are you so nice to me? Well, never mind the 'sits' but besides that. Could you really? No, I must be imagining things. Besides, I love Kikyo and you don't love me, so there is no problem. None at all. Except when you see us together. Than you cry. And it hurts you when I say I love her. But I don't get it! Why are you so exasperating.  
  
Of course I love Kikyo. Why wouldn't I. Kikyo was the first to love me. She was the very first. I know that right now, Kikyo isn't exactly who she once was, her body is different, and cold, but she is Kikyo. And I still love her. She was the first human I ever trusted besides my mother, the first one to treat me as an equal. I promised Kikyo my life. I promised her to have me as a human. I owe Kikyo every fiber of my life, and would give it to her if she asked, but where would that leave Kagome?  
  
Why can't I get you out of my head! You make me so angry! But there are times when I just want to tell you how I really feel, tell you that I love you, but that wouldn't be fair. If I did that it would hurt you even more. I would hurt Kikyo. I would hurt you both because I love you both, but can't have you both.  
  
"You are so clumsy! I never thought anyone could be as clumsy as you, but you proved me wrong. Not an once of grace within you. You're so helpless! You can't even defend yourself most of the time, meaning I have to save you. Your big mouth doesn't always help either. You're blunt about almost everything, and unpredictable. You are nothing like Kikyo, but then again, I guess I don't want you to be. You may trip and fall all of the time, but you get right back up and smile. You're kind and compassionate, even to those who have done you harm, you forgive them. You're not afraid of what anyone thinks of you. And you smile a lot. You make me mad, but when you smile, I want to smile too. I don't know why, it's just a feeling. When you're happy I'm happy. And though your words are jumbled sometimes and confusing, your eyes speak of almost everything you need to tell, they are so clear, open, innocent, life. And to tell you the truth, I guess I don't mind it so much when I have to rescue you. It makes me swell with pride that you trust me enough to come and save you. Kagome, you are nothing like Kikyo.  
  
Kikyo, she is so strong and quite. Her very being speaks of power. She is so kind and generous to those around you. Never angry, never showing fear. She is graceful and poise. She knows what she is doing. She is mysterious. Her smile is quiet and small. Her and I are alike in so many ways. Kikyo is perfect. She can defend her self easily, though with her so capable of defending herself, there really isn't any need for me to protect her. Though Kikyo and I always got along, an argument would have been fun once or twice, just to see who could win. Kikyo, you are nothing like Kagome.  
  
I know I hurt you both by not choosing, but I'm not sure yet. Not sure of who I really want to be with. When I am sure, I will choose, but not before then. Not before. You don't know how hard this is for me! I'm stuck! Stuck between two loves. It's like having to choose between Chicken flavored Ramen and Beef flavored Ramen! Both very delisouse in their own way. I'm torn, cut. It's like slicing me into two halves with the blunt edge of a sword, my blood oozing down in droplets and my body being pulled on without mercy. I am in the middle of a war. A seemingly endless war that can only end up in suffering. I'm stuck in this war within me.  
  
But please, no more tears, or silence! I will choose, when I know what I really feel. What my heart says is right.  
  
"Inuyasha?" A swett voice that belonged to heaven wound it's way up to my ears. Kagome. Your tears are dried, does that mean that you aren't sad now? I hope so.  
  
"What do you want?" I said tersely, and quickly regretting it.  
  
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You've been gone a while." I growled in response and looked up at the moon that illuminated the sky. How had it gotten so late? I can feel your every movements, strangely enough, as if they were my own. Even this far away. Sittign yourself at the base of my tree you look up at the moon too. Looking down at you I feel myself breathless sin awe of your beauty. You are bathed in streams of the moons light illuminating your very being. Your skin radiates and a small smile graces your lips. A small breeze comes and plays with your ebony tresses that grace your shoulders, and I envy the wind for its privilege. Even from the upper branches, I can see your eyes sparkling, like the stars that dance for the moon. Your lips are red and velvety, more so than the softest of roses. I long to cup your face in my hands, to stroke your warm cheeks, to feel your lips gently pressed to mine, and to taste your mouth. Forcing myself to, I look back at the moon, which seems oddly pale after looking at you. I let out a sigh.  
  
Maybe someday, if that's where my heart leads me to, I'll be able to do those things. Looking back down at you, I meet your eyes, and see you shiver. You idiot. It's cold out. Don't you know better. You shouldn't have been out. Jumping down, I smirk as I hear a small 'eep' of surprise form you. You're too jumpy, it's funny.  
  
"You shouldn't be out here. It's cold you know." She smiled weakly and nodded.  
  
"Feh." I took off my haori shirt and tossed it to you.  
  
"Put that on before you freeze." I said gruffly, feeling my heart beat. She does and looks back up at me.  
  
"Thank you." She says. No! Why am I blushing! All she said was 'thank you' nothing else! Geez!  
  
"Get on. It's faster." I said bending down for her to get on my back. Hopefully she didn't notice me blushing.  
  
I feel your warm body against mine. Your scent tingles my nose pleasantly. And I begin running.  
  
May my heart choose soon. I don't know how much more I can take.  
  
**** Authors Ending Note: Woohoo! This took an awful lot of work, considering I practically rewrote a lot of it! Jeepers! But hey, I like it better than before I revised it, and I'm content with it for the moment. So that's a good thing. 


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